Okay, bub, just please not today.

I’ve known for a few years now that my kids would grow up with more memories at the cemetery than I would. I knew that they would know more about death, about heaven, about remembering someone you love than I ever did at two, at four, at six. And for the most part I have been okay with that. It is what it is. It’s a fact of our lives, a truth of our family and since the kids will never remember a life without visits to the cemetery, carefully arranging bouquets and cleaning a marble headstone it will, at least for a few more years, seem normal to them - like something every family does occasionally.

What I didn’t know is what kind of questions my kids might ask, what kind of thoughts they might have about this seemingly normal part of their lives. And I’ve never really thought about how I would respond or what I would say, until today.

This morning as Tyler sat at the kitchen table eating a snack he asked me if he and Bailey were going to die. I paused for a moment and said, “yes, none of us will live forever”. After thinking about that for a second he said, “well, when we do, mommy, you can go to the cemetery and leave lots of flowers by our stones”. Trying not to let myself think about that too long I quickly added, “well, I hope that doesn’t happen for a long time”. “Oh, I do” was his immediate response. “Remember when you told me what a good place heaven is, mommy? I really want to go there”.

As much as I am thankful for these teaching moments, for this sweet, little boy – at whatever level of understanding – setting his heart on heaven, I can still feel my heart break – just a little bit – all over again.